i can't even decide where to start on where my head space is right now - the best thing i can describe is throwing a uncooked pizza against the wall - and watching it splatter and slide down the ground leaving a trail.....
a couple of weeks ago i was very much in tune with my conviction of going forward with many things - the lifestyle and my status within it was the main thing ... fitness goals, career goals and personal daily goals on habit and ritual was in between somewhere as well - and yet i was content in just sitting in the living room all day today - with minimal effort in wanting to plan, decide or change anything...... i believe i watched more damn television that i have in an entire year today - and i wasn't even paying attention. that's what has compelled me to write again, that is so not like me.
ive allowed stressors to get to me, and it's showing within my mood and my daily habits - most pronounced is at work and through my eating habits, then there is my sleeping habit and the cap i have placed on my sexual nature all of a sudden.
i am sure everything i am going to write about has no start or order - so i am just going to write whatever comes to me, and perhaps in a few weeks time i may find my answers on these thoughts.
many years ago - a dominant friend of mine convinced me to let go of my requirements to only "play" with a dominant who i felt was my "One" or .... someone close to that status (which at the time, as it is now - was also elusive) it took years to actually allow that into my heart - i felt trust was built over time and that was what was needed for me to play safely -... to give safely. when i finally did play - i trudged through the after effects of not having those sensations consistently and did my best to shrug off the confusion in emotion that incurred afterwords. it wasn't until recently that it's bothered me again to the point that i cannot ignore it anymore - and it frustrates the hell out of me.
i played with Dom "A" lets call Him.. several months ago - riding on the wind of hope again, and just taking the plunge to "be" and not think too much as i am notorious for - (it usually causes me to stay away from whatever i am thinking of in a pro and con manner too much) this Dom i had watched for years .... and He always triggered a weak in the knees response from me - even as i looked away after being caught watching Him play with others intently..... long story short - i got the courage to meet Him outside the community events i use to frequent - and ...had a most moving time with Him.... i was excited when He called me to His home a week later..... the weekend spent was fabulous - i gave to Him more than i believe i have given any other - if only because i had come to terms with some of my own habits of hinderment - i delivered further, took more and desired more than i can ever remember doing. it's been over 3 months - i haven't herd more than a couple of short conversations from Him shortly after our visit - and now, not even a peep.
am i silly to think that the play was intimate and therefore deserves justification on why it is that someone could just .....walk away?. has He played with so many - that He didn't feel what i wanted Him to notice?.... or did He notice, ....and this is why He .....is gone?.
Dom "B" played me with most recently, a few weeks ago - someone whom i know well, someone whom ..... i loved ....once to a degree that i believe at least is the closest i have been to loving someone... he taught me so much about life, the life and business. He played with me - i was so excited again - this was someone who knew me, inside and out, who is familiar with what i can or cannot take - how i think. i was only a little dissappointed when He was too tired to deliver play to the intensity that i needed for which we had spent a few weeks discussing - but in the end that was my fault for showing up 1.5 hours into the play party - he had others to play with. i was more dissapointed when He had to ask me how things were during the scene - harder, softer?... higher or lower?... dissapointed when he struck - and held back - stopped even when my reaction was more responsive.... i thought we disscused this?... that even should i fall to my knees... or tears welled up in my eyes,...DONT give that as a reason to stop...
he is the one person whom i have always trusted with my mind, body and soul - who understood all my life what i had delt with, what i needed and wanted.... and he had forgotten parts i thought even back then - were of a more intimate nature.... the giving over to him ...of me. why did he hold back?.... was it me again?. he hasn't spoken to me since that evening...... i believe i cannot handle this anymore - i think i am looking at all of this in the wrong nature... with the wrong part of me somehow... because why is it everyone can just walk away - and i cannot?... i may as well turn myself off and shut down and become mechanical again if this is the way it is to keep going.
how can they just walk away?.....i am not asking to be collard - i am not asking for a relationship..... i desired acknowledgement.......something that told me that i was just not another ..."thing".....that i was appreciated.... and .... perhaps i am being silly, i cannot even put into words what i am feeling - i just know that something that someone can just walk away from is generally something empty and something they couldn't feel for in the beginning, ... i may as well have just kept my mouth shut and endured... ....endured like a fucken machine.... but i bled, cried, shook, moaned, growled, wined and soaked my inner thighs.... last i checked, a fucken machine doesn't respond in that manner... so what the hell?. what is wrong with them?.....or what is wrong... with me?
i am stuck in a life of the hampster wheel - go to work, come home and work, go to work, come home and work - work stresses me, work takes up 60-80 hours of my life every week - it causes me to lose sleep, eat rediculously, stress and lose my health. the lifestyle does the same, my family life does the same... even my friendships are doing the same..... everyone wants everyone to pay the price - to sactafice themselves more each time - without reciprocation - and if not your expendable as an employee, lifestyler, friend or family member. this is my life presently - every layer of it has it's own little game, and you know the games that are being played, yet you are bound by some sort of greater law to look in on yourself and watch everything happen to you - over and over again.... each time it takes a part of your life and casts it deeper into a pit of darkness, each time you offer less and less of yourself to those around you who need your help in getting out of their hampster wheel,... their pit of darkness.... because god knows you are unable to help yourself.....
i am going to bed tonight early on the weekend - because i am tired, in mind, body and spirit.... i go to bed in hopes that tomorrow will come quickly because then maybe tomorrow i will be in a better, stronger mood to make it past yet again another day - or perhaps that finally i will wake up from this dream and then those around me would have hearts - my career would actually be a career of meaningful significance, my family would actually be there for me - not something that needs to be forced to be forgotten, my friends would actually understand me, those who love me would understand that i do not part time something with such value, and i will have woken up properly and comprehended that my faulty wires need a repairman immediatly and it's what needs the most work first.... before things get worse..... and beyond repair.
i fear tomorrow -everyday.
~e.d~
